Tag Archives: sometimes I write happy things

It builds character

You must experience hardship in order to grow.

Since I have suffered I am being developed into something better than my former version of me.
I have been single for one month now. There is a kind of freedom I am finding. It was not a fun decision to become single but it was my decision, and I have remained firm in the belief that it was the right one. I have decided that I do not have time for anything less than the best, and I used up my amount of ‘best’ with him. It still left a scar. All the same, trees cannot stand and grow without wind and I needed wind. Water that does not move stagnates and I was beginning to.

Let old things die.

It is very strange not to be someone’s girlfriend right now. But more than anything I am me. I advised a friend on this- I am free. I should like to be free for the rest of my life. Freedom does not mean alone always, freedom means I am free to choose. I will have to be very sure about something to stay with it ‘for the sake of it’.
If you are not prepared to walk away from something, that something will always have more control over you than you do. By calling bluffs and challenging everything, you retain control of your own life by expecting it to continuously meet higher standards.

I am the one thing in life I can (even somewhat) control.

Everything else is throwing yourself in the closest approximate direction and hoping for the best. Just like flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing, success is throwing yourself at failure and missing.

I read a book by my grandfather that spoke of ‘a high tolerance for failure’ and stated that ‘anything worth doing is worth doing poorly until you can learn to do it well’. I adopt this mentality in my art now, learning to go with complete over perfect. This is the mentality I teach with my piano students. Start slow, start badly. The more you do it, the better you get.

I will never be satisfied with ‘good enough’, I seek to constantly improve and build higher. Each stage of life is a stepping stone to the next.

Perhaps.

Perhaps the world is a place in which we struggle.

Life is not a simple task. It’s something we try at every single day that we breathe, and something we die feeling like we never quite finished completely.
I have days where I feel like I graduated yesterday and I’m just starting on my real life, and there are days- weeks, more like- where I feel like I’ve wasted every productive point in my life.
Because obviously I’ll work fast food forever.
Who else would hire you?
What else is even the point in trying?
You just know you’ll get turned down.
No one wants you.

Perhaps the most difficult thing I do is to put on that pair of jeans that’s a bit darker wash than the others and looks slightly more professional, tug on some shoes that aren’t converse, and try and do my hair to make me look not-seventeen again.
Presenting the best I have over and over again, just to be told it isn’t good enough, is crushing.

And yet, I can honestly sit here and type that I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
Oh, there will always be bad days. Bad days are as inevitable as the last cookie in a package.

But maybe we should live for the days where you go to bed happy, or at least content.
For the days when the tea brews just right, and you can watch the milk swirl around the spoon.
For the breezes that come through your bedroom window and smell of lilacs, as you’re drifting off to sleep.
For the person in some unknowable house, playing a song called What A Wonderful World. Because it is.
For those days when you shake your hair out after stumbling out of bed, and it falls in supermodel waves around your face, clear for once.
For five pound bags of tater tots.
For that “Rocky” feeling after you sprint across the parking lot in the rain, and you’re not even out of breath.
For that weirdly satisfying moment when you finally get to the bathroom and you can finally pee.
For good-butt jeans.
For canned mandarin oranges, because why do they even taste so good?
For that overwhelming feeling of thank you when you look at someone, and you’re just grateful that they spend time with you.
For those people you meet for ten minutes, and they say something in those ten that you think about for years afterwords, and contemplate it while you zone out and fill your mind.
For standing by a window, and feeling the sun warm the backs of your thighs and the inside of your soul.
For standing back and admiring a freshly washed window.
For the two hours you can spend cleaning the house, and then it looks really good.

My life has been, by no means, perfect. I complain a lot, and very articulately. But it’s a good life.
I am happy. And I predict that I will only get happier in the months to come.