Tag Archives: identiy crises

Identity

I cannot be unique if people do not know i am unique.
As long as I can recall I have been colorful, out there, full of confidence. I always have wanted to define and improve myself and be the best version there is possible to be.
Adding a touch (an unhealthy splash) of competitiveness to me means that not only must I be creative, I have to be the MOST creative. I have to express and know myself to the highest degree.
Over the past few years I have been customizing my body. I love the concept of personalizing your body, making it truly unique in the world. I have 4 tattoos, 8 piercings, and have played with coloring and styling my hair and adding jewelry and fun clothing.
Listen, I know that there is a point where selfies become vanity but I love the fact that we can document everything in our lives. I am trying to log my life through pictures on my phone. I adopted a cat and have been trying to log weekly updates of her life. She is now 24 weeks old and i cannot believe 24 weeks has passed.
I am fascinated with the concept of logging myself. Recording my existence. Having the most accurate count of myself.
The point of this is that I have recently changed jobs. My job for the past year and a half has allowed me complete freedom in hair and piercings. I have started getting my nails done and its been amazing because I do not have good nails.
But now I cannot have these things. I’m not allowed unnatural hair colors, nail covering or color of any kind, and no facial piercings. Thus I dyed my hair again. I went from bright purple to black and brown, which is the color I’ve had my entire life. And it hurts. I feel like by dying my hair I sacrificed my individuality and lost my ‘real’ identity. The concept I’ve been mulling over these few days is whether I am less unique or self-expressive if others do not know I am unique. The phrase is ‘express yourself’ but the question is to whom?
This also makes me think that if I lose an obvious degree, I must make up for it in some less visible way but one that has the same weight to it. By this I mean that I feel I can measure how well my self is expressed.
Converse shoes worn ironically. Hair dyed bright purple. Clever outfit. Tasteful piercings, but be sure you do not get any worn out or cliche ones. Jewelry. Bold makeup.
Is it all worth it if I know I will be better in the end? That of course must be decided by you. The pain point comes where the discomfort of doing or not doing something outweighs the value. The temporary pain I feel from not having colored hair or a ring in my lip does not outweigh the fact that I am able to pursue an education, which should take me to a point where I regain the things of which I am deprived. It is not the worst option. By going through with it, I gain.
How do you feel you are unique? What do you hold close and value as a definition of yourself? What would hurt to lose? What facets of yourself would make you feel as though you were not yourself if they left?
What are you willing to sacrifice? What do you hope to gain by doing so?